“ The Divine Spirit seeks, discovers, and enters into the secret hiding places of our lives.”r.r.lackney, architect
Personal Comment:
For some of us we work, pray, and write, and weep to end this pain yet although much time has passed
We stand at the same place we were when we heard those words:
" Jeffery is dead"
We have not moved on, forgot, or let go we stand in the midst of the echo.
REALITY 1 :: “Its been a year: get on with your life”
It is impossible to “replace” someone you love. Each person’s relationship is unique. It takes a long time to say goodbye. Until this is accomplished it is impossible to “move-on” .
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A Chaplain may understand the Journey of “Loss” as:
1: Losses need not take away memories and accomplishments of life.
2: Losses do not take away who we are: Loss adds to who we are.
3: Losses do not take away from what we can do to minister to others.
4: Losses add to what we can do for others in the time we are given.5: Loss includes: sharing with one another, guided imagery, elf-examination, “virtual dreaming”, journaling, meditations and prayer, record of past accomplishments, legacy gifting.
REALITY 2 :: “The will of God- accept it”
Comments like: “God needs your Mother in heaven” are not helpful.
Scripture teaches that life provides little protection- we are very fragile beings. God promises maximum support.
Jesus: This world is trouble. But, take heart! I have conquered death: John 16:33
The best response(s):
God is with you- grace is in you to help you through this thing.
God does not “take” ( God might receive or welcome)
I claim Hebrew 13:5 “I will never leave you- not forsake you”.
1: Losses need not take away memories and accomplishments of life.
2: Losses do not take away who we are: Loss adds to who we are.
3: Losses do not take away from what we can do to minister to others.
4: Losses add to what we can do for others in the time we are given.5: Loss includes: sharing with one another, guided imagery, elf-examination, “virtual dreaming”, journaling, meditations and prayer, record of past accomplishments, legacy gifting.
REALITY 2 :: “The will of God- accept it”
Comments like: “God needs your Mother in heaven” are not helpful.
Scripture teaches that life provides little protection- we are very fragile beings. God promises maximum support.
Jesus: This world is trouble. But, take heart! I have conquered death: John 16:33
The best response(s):
God is with you- grace is in you to help you through this thing.
God does not “take” ( God might receive or welcome)
I claim Hebrew 13:5 “I will never leave you- not forsake you”.
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A Chaplain’s may understand these needs in terms of “Rights” or "Privilege":
1: Privilege to have a personal sense of Purpose and Meaning.
2: Privilege to be touched and to touch.
3: Privilege to maintain their beliefs and values respected.
4: Privilege to hear the Truth (and still be in “denial”).
5: Privilege to remember their past, express resentments and regrets.
1: Privilege to have a personal sense of Purpose and Meaning.
2: Privilege to be touched and to touch.
3: Privilege to maintain their beliefs and values respected.
4: Privilege to hear the Truth (and still be in “denial”).
5: Privilege to remember their past, express resentments and regrets.
6: Privilege to laugh, find joy in what they believe to be important to them.
REALITY 3 :: “ You look great!”
People in loss look the same way really- just like you.
The emotions within are in chaos a chaotic mess.
These emotions are intense and are confusing
(i.e. shock, numbness, betrayal, rage, regret, remorse, guilt)
Grief: nothing stays stable- you get a hold of a point and it will rotate within an hour: a round and around. It is not a straight line by any stretch of the imagination.
If anything the individual feels misunderstood and the wrong comment can isolate them further.
C.S. Lewis: you may look well but in fact the internal struggle is great and takes everything you have to manage the emotions.
Response: “This time is difficult to you- How can I help you- Would you like to talk?”
REALITY 3 :: “ You look great!”
People in loss look the same way really- just like you.
The emotions within are in chaos a chaotic mess.
These emotions are intense and are confusing
(i.e. shock, numbness, betrayal, rage, regret, remorse, guilt)
Grief: nothing stays stable- you get a hold of a point and it will rotate within an hour: a round and around. It is not a straight line by any stretch of the imagination.
If anything the individual feels misunderstood and the wrong comment can isolate them further.
C.S. Lewis: you may look well but in fact the internal struggle is great and takes everything you have to manage the emotions.
Response: “This time is difficult to you- How can I help you- Would you like to talk?”
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A Chaplain’s recognizes the unique “styles” among those grieving:
1: Some individuals are “intuitive grievers” these people are “feelers”.
2: Some individuals are “ instrumental grievers” these are cognitive and action oriented people.
1: Some individuals are “intuitive grievers” these people are “feelers”.
2: Some individuals are “ instrumental grievers” these are cognitive and action oriented people.
3:There are many differences in grieving, styles of personal healing among both men and women, children.
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REALITY 4 :: “Its been 6 months – don’t you think you should get on?”
There is no quick fix. I wish grief could be done with in 6 months.
Grief must be considered as a deep wound- healing is a long time.
Research says ( 18-24 months).
REALITY 5 :: “ You need to get out more- get active”
Grief must be considered as a deep wound- healing is a long time.
Research says ( 18-24 months).
REALITY 5 :: “ You need to get out more- get active”
Encouragement is a healthy thing.
The individual’s natural desire is to withdrawal and hide.
But, passing judgment- must not be done!!!! This only increases the pressure on the individual. We cannot help someone escape from their grief. There is no escape!
Too much activity delays healing and interrupt the process in the individual.
They are not lonely for the presence of others – they are lonely for there loved one.
Most feel as though their body is torn apart- lives are a shambles- daily survival is the goal.
REALITY 6 :: “ Funerals”
The costs of a funeral: A elderly lady died without insurance- the funeral director would do a service until he was fully paid”- up front.
The funeral does several things: a/ a place for the mourners to express grief, 2/ expression of love, 3/ begin the acceptance of death, 4/ a key point in the healing process- we must face death.
REALITY 7 :: “ The best thing to do is to avoid the discussion of loss”
Wrong! The individual needs to discuss this thing- including the minute things connected to it.
With each discussion a layer of pain is removed( making the death objective- helps to look to the future)
The people who were the most helpful to us when XXX died was those who lets us talk and talk and talk about it. The best were those who did not try to distract us from our grief- but encouraged us to open our hearts. The expression of feelings in words will ease and gradually end the pain.
The individual’s natural desire is to withdrawal and hide.
But, passing judgment- must not be done!!!! This only increases the pressure on the individual. We cannot help someone escape from their grief. There is no escape!
Too much activity delays healing and interrupt the process in the individual.
They are not lonely for the presence of others – they are lonely for there loved one.
Most feel as though their body is torn apart- lives are a shambles- daily survival is the goal.
REALITY 6 :: “ Funerals”
The costs of a funeral: A elderly lady died without insurance- the funeral director would do a service until he was fully paid”- up front.
The funeral does several things: a/ a place for the mourners to express grief, 2/ expression of love, 3/ begin the acceptance of death, 4/ a key point in the healing process- we must face death.
REALITY 7 :: “ The best thing to do is to avoid the discussion of loss”
Wrong! The individual needs to discuss this thing- including the minute things connected to it.
With each discussion a layer of pain is removed( making the death objective- helps to look to the future)
The people who were the most helpful to us when XXX died was those who lets us talk and talk and talk about it. The best were those who did not try to distract us from our grief- but encouraged us to open our hearts. The expression of feelings in words will ease and gradually end the pain.
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A Chaplain is asked: “ Can I find meaning in this suffering or let go?”
1/ ‘Philosophers, sages, and saints through the ages often show a profound appreciation that the essence of life is to live each day fully and that a life is not negated by death.’
2/’ My hope is that patients and families will concentrate on living each day fully while accepting modern medicine's inability to extend the length of life indefinitely.’
3/"Fatal isn't the worst outcome." And Siegel adds, "Not living is the worst outcome."
4/ “The message to those who are taking this journey to letting go is one of hope.”
5/ We can live each day fully even as we accept the certainty of our own death and that of those we love.
6/ “To accept medicine's inability to put off death indefinitely is not a defeat.”
7/ "On the one hand, it is accepting the world as it was created, while at the same time having a profound sense that the Creator has granted life as a gift. "
1/ ‘Philosophers, sages, and saints through the ages often show a profound appreciation that the essence of life is to live each day fully and that a life is not negated by death.’
2/’ My hope is that patients and families will concentrate on living each day fully while accepting modern medicine's inability to extend the length of life indefinitely.’
3/"Fatal isn't the worst outcome." And Siegel adds, "Not living is the worst outcome."
4/ “The message to those who are taking this journey to letting go is one of hope.”
5/ We can live each day fully even as we accept the certainty of our own death and that of those we love.
6/ “To accept medicine's inability to put off death indefinitely is not a defeat.”
7/ "On the one hand, it is accepting the world as it was created, while at the same time having a profound sense that the Creator has granted life as a gift. "
8/ ' ...to hold on and grasp out of fear is to deny the gift and the Giver. Having walked this journey of "letting go" with patients and families, I only have a greater sense of the wonderfulness of life.'
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REALITY 8 :: “You are young- you will marry again” “Your X is no longer in pain be thankful”.
These statements are not helpful at all. “ Clichés” all will create frustrations and aggravate the grieving.
Anything that immunizes the loss is not at all helpful such as:
“ He is in abetter place now”, “ You can have other children”, You will find someone else”.
Response: It is always best to listen compassionately and say little and do what can be done to ease the burden.
REALITY 9 :: “ They cry a lot- I am concerned it is to much”
A ::: Tears are a sign of healing: a safety valve. Crying washes away toxins that are accumulating in the body during trauma and tension.
B ::: Stress causes unbalance- crying restores balance. Without tears the tension does not go away.
C ::: If you are going to help learn to cry yourself or get comfortable with those that cry.
D ::: The profound sense of being alone and spontaneous weeping continues for some time.
E ::: Weeping is different for each person and althougn will "burn-out" it should be understood by the chaplain this will not go away form many years.
These statements are not helpful at all. “ Clichés” all will create frustrations and aggravate the grieving.
Anything that immunizes the loss is not at all helpful such as:
“ He is in abetter place now”, “ You can have other children”, You will find someone else”.
Response: It is always best to listen compassionately and say little and do what can be done to ease the burden.
REALITY 9 :: “ They cry a lot- I am concerned it is to much”
A ::: Tears are a sign of healing: a safety valve. Crying washes away toxins that are accumulating in the body during trauma and tension.
B ::: Stress causes unbalance- crying restores balance. Without tears the tension does not go away.
C ::: If you are going to help learn to cry yourself or get comfortable with those that cry.
D ::: The profound sense of being alone and spontaneous weeping continues for some time.
E ::: Weeping is different for each person and althougn will "burn-out" it should be understood by the chaplain this will not go away form many years.
F ::: Lonliness is profiund throughout and beyond the mourning, grieving, and sadness of loss through death.
REALITY 10 :: “ You shoulda, coulda ”
A::: Some of us might say:"I should have done more." " I could have said something to help him." "I blame myself for this death." This is nonsence ... do not "should" on yourself!
REALITY 11:: ETHICS: PHYSICAN + INDIVIDUAL + FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
There are several Ethical Approaches/ Models utilized to guide the Chaplain at the sick bed:
A/ THE ETHIC OF THE GOOD: Principle of Values
. Focused on a "good" out come. The Good Death. The Death Day.
( Who then can say what is Good?)
B/ THE ETHIC OF THE RIGHT: Principle of the Clinical
. Focused on "truth telling" to the patient. Medicines to relieve pain, counseling for suffering.
( When should treatment be witdrawn?)
C/ THE ETHIC OF THE FITTING: Principle of Virtues
. Focused on the question "Who is this person?" So that a comple plan of compassion can be developed.
D/ THE ETHIC OF CARE MODEL: Relationships
. The model most utilized by the Chaplain focused in the idea of "Relationships"
. Listening ... Accomodatng ... Waiting
. Compassion, Empathy, kinsness always remains the core of reliving suffering.
Only Good Things
REALITY 10 :: “ You shoulda, coulda ”
A::: Some of us might say:"I should have done more." " I could have said something to help him." "I blame myself for this death." This is nonsence ... do not "should" on yourself!
REALITY 11:: ETHICS: PHYSICAN + INDIVIDUAL + FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
There are several Ethical Approaches/ Models utilized to guide the Chaplain at the sick bed:
A/ THE ETHIC OF THE GOOD: Principle of Values
. Focused on a "good" out come. The Good Death. The Death Day.
( Who then can say what is Good?)
B/ THE ETHIC OF THE RIGHT: Principle of the Clinical
. Focused on "truth telling" to the patient. Medicines to relieve pain, counseling for suffering.
( When should treatment be witdrawn?)
C/ THE ETHIC OF THE FITTING: Principle of Virtues
. Focused on the question "Who is this person?" So that a comple plan of compassion can be developed.
D/ THE ETHIC OF CARE MODEL: Relationships
. The model most utilized by the Chaplain focused in the idea of "Relationships"
. Listening ... Accomodatng ... Waiting
. Compassion, Empathy, kinsness always remains the core of reliving suffering.
Only Good Things
robert r.lackney, chaplain
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